TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have One more put exactly where American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting notice from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also involve:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD can have convert-down service."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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